It's no secret that I love blogs. I love reading them. I love what I see when I read blogs, so when this phenomena started occurring throughout the blogs around the internet, I was thoroughly intrigued, and awed by the outpouring of all these writers coming together to do this: http://www.creaturecomfortsblog.com/hom
I seriously read for about 2 hours just the different responses and I am still not done.
They all made me feel uplifted, sad, happy, contemplative, and many other emotions.
The truth behind these posts were made of the stuff I like to read, fact not fiction.
The fiction of idealized lives, photo-shopped instagrams, 100% positiveness(though nice to have every once in a while), and constant materialism I tend to see on the internet everyday.
These posts made me rethink a lot of things I believed to be blogging.
Also, even though this isn't a blog of any kind (though I attempted one once http://larkfly.wordpress.com/) , I love writing here in this space. I don't really care if anybody reads this, finds it interesting/boring, contrite, whatever, it makes me feel good to let my thoughts out into the world via my writing.
It's a release for me. I am not really sure where I would be without it, possibly crawling up a few walls.
Thus with this spirit of good will and courage (yes, courage, some of these things are very hard to admit, especially to an audience that you hardly know), I felt the need to make
my own post of things that are hard for me to admit, yet I know, bringing them out would make me feel better, and possibly show someone, much like myself, that we aren't alone, or as estranged from the world as we think..
1.)I had an abortion. Some people have life changes or events that involve a trip to Europe, moving across the country, finishing grad school/law school/medical school, getting married, publishing a book, death, etc. etc. I have to say my most significant to date life altering event was having an abortion.
It's a subject that women used to be shunned from talking or even thinking about, however in this day and age, even with the press it gets on t.v. shows, in our political debates, blogs, newspapers, books, this specific "hot topic" among our society, is I believe, still a hushed secret among us, when it happens to us, to a friend, to a family member, whatever, it's still a red letter of shame, not something you want to blast over the news feeds of twitter and facebook. Because we are all afraid (defiantly me included) of the downward glances of others, that pitiful resonant sound they might expel from their lungs, and just a small bit of "oh I failed" somehow.
Yet this choice was made by me, no matter the religious beliefs of others, some might say I am going to "hell" for what I did, some might call me a "murderer" for what I did, or that I was weak for what I did. However, this act, so personal, yet conflicting on so many levels, was in my belief an act of salvage. People might think I am talking about myself, but I am not.
I had worked with children for years, I love children, they remind me so much of myself sometimes, their worlds more inviting than the spheres of the adults. I loved being a kid. I love my nieces and nephews. And yes, my sister and I took different roads, yet whose to say one is better than the other? No one.
Yet, being a mother is no easy task, it's not one to be made on a ledge of soft stuff and uneven footing.
Mothering is a task that takes patience, undivided attention of the nth degree, unconditional love, and it's full of rough bumps and patches. I have experienced first hand what it takes, seen it through the eyes of my own mother, my sister, the children/babies I used to work with in the day care, helping to raise my cousin's baby, and Hayley when she was a baby. If this task is not done right, the mother and father don't suffer. That innocent little person suffers and it still breaks my heart to see that child whose parents become too wrapped up in the act of living/getting by/moving through their own personal problems, that the child is left behind, not cared for the way they should be.
All women should have a choice, and it should't be made harder than it already is by frivolous rules/doctrine/law restrictions, because believe me, when I say women like myself probably think about it quite often, that choice we made, and people can say it's easy. It never will be. Yet, like with all things in life, we can't judge what we do not know.
Thus why I adamantly believe in programs and contribute to programs such as Planned Parenthood (http://www.plannedparenthood.org/)
That being said, when I am economically and domestically stable maybe someday I will make a different choice.
2.) Sometimes I still feel like the 11 year old Heather, that girl that was picked on in middle school. I feel like people are always just commenting on every flaw I have in their heads. I even used to have panic attacks about it! The not wanting to leave the house type. Yet this is a feeling I used to have quite often, but as I grow older, it has a hold of me less and less. I have used a different way of thinking, to counter this constant negative thoughts and "what if's " that can plague anyone. I just always have to remind myself:
“To thine own self be true” – William Shakespeare
Well! That really did take me a while to get out, but I hope like everyone who participated or is going to participate in this, I hope we will all be part of an evolution of sorts for blogging, blogging/facebooking/twittering/ljing not only all the great things, but to also comment on how us, humans, are just as flawed as the next person, and that's o.k. We should be here for each other.